


No Dating Here!

by lamujerarana



Category: Fantastic Four (Comicverse), Marvel 616, Spider-Man (Comicverse)
Genre: Comedy, Everyone Thinks They're Together, Identity Porn, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-25 13:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10765503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lamujerarana/pseuds/lamujerarana
Summary: Johnny has no idea what Reed, Ben, and Sue keep going on about. He doesn't have feelings for Spidey at all. He doesn't even know what the guy looks like. And he definitely would never date him.Or, what starts off as everyone wrongly thinking Johnny's dating Spidey eventually leads to Johnny actually dating Spidey but pretending he isn't because he doesn't want to give his family the satisfaction of knowing they were right.***“You really aren’t going to admit that you’re dating him, are you?” Sue says incredulously. She taps her finger against that very incriminating photo in the tabloid. “You’re kissing him, baby brother, right here.”“Kissing? Spidey? Me? I would never,” Johnny scoffs, right as he finishes making a date to meet Spidey later that night.  “Not in a million years. I am way out of his league. I’m so far above him he can’t even see me.”Spidey’s going to see plenty of Johnny later tonight, but Sue doesn’t need to know anything about that.





	No Dating Here!

Johnny’s been hanging out with Spidey a lot lately. Secretly, he’s glad they finally got over their silly teenage rivalry and admitted that they’re friends. They’ve always sort of been friends, even though they spent quite a few years insulting each other every chance they got.

But, well, loyal, trustworthy friends are scarce in Johnny’s life right now, and Johnny—no matter how annoyed he gets with Spidey sometimes—has always, always trusted him.

Oh, Johnny can always count on his family, but there are certain topics he simply can’t broach with them. They’re all too old to remember the pain and insecurity of being Johnny’s age, or the way every broken heart feels as though it will surely never mend.

But Spidey? He gets it.

When Johnny and Spidey hang out, that’s what they talk about some times—their broken hearts. Johnny’s girl, Crystal, left permanently for Attilan, and Spidey’s nameless girl took off for somewhere in Europe.

Most of the time, though, they’ll swap outrageous stories about life as a superhero or every underhanded prank Spidey’s ever played on one J. Jonah Jameson. Johnny likes to try to one up him by recounting the elaborate pranks he’s played on Ben. He mostly doesn’t mention how many times Ben has gotten back at him with pranks that end with Johnny’s utter humiliation.

Johnny’s convinced Spidey’s making at least half of his stories up, but it doesn’t matter much, because Johnny never laughs as hard as he does when he’s with Spidey.

Okay, so, sure, he looks forward to hanging out with Spidey—it always brightens his day. And maybe he ends up mentioning him more than usual—but, in his defense, he doesn’t exactly have a lot of other friends right now.

It doesn’t mean he’s dating Spidey. Or that he wants to date Spidey. No matter what Ben says.

"He is _not_ my boyfriend," Johnny snaps. "Would you stop saying that, lunkhead?!"

It’s at least the third time Ben’s called Spidey Johnny’s new boyfriend. Today. Johnny tried his best not to let Ben get a rise out of him the first few times Ben teased him about it, but enough’s enough.

The Fantastic Four are currently in fairly confined quarters at the moment, so he can’t exactly do very much about it—nothing like lighting Benjy’s seat on fire, for instance—but that doesn’t mean he can’t shout at Ben.

They’re all strapped into the latest version of Reed’s pogo planes—Johnny helped design the warp engines and, yes, he’s a genius, thank you very much—and on their way home from their latest deep-space voyage investigating a far-distant nebula Reed discovered.

Reed thought it was behaving in a very peculiar way that defied all scientific explanation, but it wasn’t until they arrived that the reasons for that became clear.

The nebula, they discovered, much to Reed’s chagrin—maybe someday Johnny and Ben’ll let him live it down, but that day is not today—was sentient and behaving so strangely because it had fallen in love with a nearby star. That it could never reach.

The nebula—once Reed figured out how to communicate with it—had sounded like something out of one of Johnny’s favorite soap operas when it talked about the star.

It was all very tragic, until Reed ruined it all by rigging up a hyperspace communicator to let the star and the nebula converse.

Maybe Benjy’s got romance on his mind or something because of that and that’s why he’s so dead-set on insisting that Johnny’s dating Spidey. It’s still irritating.

"You really aren’t dating him?" Sue says, twisting around in her seat so she can peer at Johnny over the headrest. There’s a hint of surprise in her voice that Johnny resents. "You have been spending a lot of time with him, baby bro. I’ve got to admit, I thought there might be something going on with the two of you too.”

"Oh, no," Johnny says, stomach sinking. "Not you too!"

"You do bring him up an average of thirteen point seven five times a day, Johnny," Reed chimes in from the pilot’s seat. He sounds mildly amused by the whole conversation. "And that’s only taking into account the times I’m within earshot, of course."

“You’ve been _counting_?!” Johnny shouts, scandalized. “Why have you been _counting_?”

Reed shrugs. “Ben pointed it out a few weeks ago. I was curious. Should I not have?”

Johnny is livid. He sees what this is. It’s a conspiracy. They’re all ganging up on him. Why does he always have to be the one who gets ganged up on? No one ever gangs up on Ben!

It’s not Johnny’s fault that he’s the only one who’s still young and interesting and not old and settled down, he thinks sourly. He’d give anything to be married to Crys right about now.

Well, Reed and Sue and Ben have to get their kicks somehow, Johnny supposes, and that way is apparently by meddling in Johnny’s love life. And exploring space and time and alternate dimensions. It’s a toss-up, really, which they enjoy more.

"Why did I have to go and tell you all that I’m into boys?" Johnny laments. It was a mistake. He sees that now. "I didn’t have to do that. This is what I get. Look—just because I dated Wyatt doesn’t mean I have to date every guy that comes along. That’s not how it works. I can still have totally platonic guy friends. Like Spidey."

Things with Wyatt had gotten serious enough for Johnny to tell his family about it. They’d mostly taken it well, even if Ben hadn’t been able to resist mocking Johnny for weeks, but, well, that’s Ben. He does tease Johnny, to be fair, every time Johnny starts dating someone new, until he gets bored of it.

Johnny’s sole reason for breaking up with Wyatt had been because he’d been nuts about Crys, and it wouldn’t have been fair to Wyatt to keep dating him. Bit of a moot point at the moment, admittedly, given that Crys is no longer a viable dating option.

He wouldn’t put dating a guy again beyond the realm of possibility. Dating Wyatt again someday isn’t exactly out of the question either.

He’s just…not thinking about dating right now. Not until he can get through the day without thinking about a certain knockout blonde, that is.

"Why did you ever break up with Wyatt?" Sue sighs, shaking her head. "He’d make a great husband. You should give him a call. You, Reed, and I can go on a double date!"

Her eyes flick over to Ben apologetically. Johnny doesn’t get why Reed and Sue won’t just confess that they’re romantically involved with Ben. Johnny’s known for years, and besides, he’s not a kid anymore. He won’t let it slip to the press or tweet something stupid.

Johnny’s brow pulls downward. "Are you hinting that you don’t approve of Spidey?" he says. "Because if you think that’s going to make me not want to date him, I gotta tell you, sis, it’s probably gonna backfire on you in a big way. You know me. I’ll date him just because you say I shouldn’t."

Sue gives him an irritated look. She knows it’s not an empty threat because he’s done it before. It turned out she was right about that boy, but Johnny doesn’t need to tell her that. Her head’s swelled enough as is.

“I wouldn’t say that I disapprove,” Sue says diplomatically. “He was very polite and a little nervous that time he took me out on that date. It was cute.” Johnny stifles a snort. Oh, yeah. He’d forgotten about that. He’s pretty sure Spidey’s flirtations with Sue were mostly about pissing Johnny off. And it worked, too. "We just…don’t know anything about him, bro. You should be careful. The Bugle certainly has a lot of unkind words to say about him. If even half of them are true…"

"Oh, who listens to that rag?" Johnny bristles. "Jameson’s a hack."

"We know the kid’s a stubborn, swellheaded, loudmouthed showoff," Ben says. "Jameson ain’t wrong about that. The two of you was made for each other." He leans forward and thumps a giant rocky fist against Reed’s shoulder. "Right, Stretcho?"

Reed’s mouth twists. "He ruined my data collection," he says bitterly, "by spraying his webbing everywhere. I’d been looking forward to that."

Of course he’s still holding a grudge over that little misadventure. "That was my fault," Johnny scowls. "I’m the one who okayed switching spots with him for a day. Blame me. Spidey’s not a seasoned space explorer like I am. Besides, even people who’ve been in space a lot can make mistakes, or do I really have to bring up—"

"No!" Reed cuts in. "Point taken."

“Give the guy a break, is all I’m saying,” Johnny says.

"Aw," Benjy coos mockingly. "Look at you, stickin’ up for your boyfriend."

"He is _not_ my—" Johnny starts, but he’s drowned out by Benjy launching into a cheerful aria of "Johnny and Spidey sittin’ in a tree…" while Sue and Reed try not to smile too obviously.

Johnny buries his face in his hands. Oh, man. Sometimes he really hates his life.

He is _not_ dating Spidey. Why won’t anyone believe him?

* * *

"I don’t even know what he _looks_ like," Johnny protests indignantly three days later, when it comes up again at breakfast.

All Johnny’d said was that he was going to the movies with Spidey tonight. There’s just a new scifi flick he hasn’t seen, and he mentioned it to Spidey, who hadn’t seen it either, so, well, they decided to see it together. See? Totally not a date. Not even a little date-like. More of a…bro hang.

"Guys," he continues. "I don’t know what he looks like under that mask. I mean—come on. Would I do that? Would I date someone without knowing what they look like?"

"Yep," Sue says, without even looking up from the piece of toast she’s buttering. "You absolutely would do that."

Johnny takes a beat to reconsider. There’s a chance that Spidey’s ugly under there, but Johnny doesn’t think so. The guy certainly isn’t lacking in confidence, which isn’t what Johnny would expect from someone who was terrible-looking.

His body’s definitely a knockout. That spandex can’t hide that. If the face matches at all…Johnny would be lucky to get his hands on that.

On the other hand, what if his face’s hotness level doesn’t match his body’s? Johnny would be disappointed by the unmasking. Better to let his imagination run wild.

Spidey could be as hot as Johnny wanted him to be as long as he didn’t take his mask off.

Okay, okay, so maybe he would make out with Spidey without knowing what he looks like. Depending on what Spidey really looks like, it might even be preferable.

Still, it would be totally embarrassing if it turned out he was ugly _after_ Johnny made out with him.

He changes tacks. "He smells?"

Musky. Like he sweats and sweats in that suit of his and doesn’t clean it much. It’s manly, and Johnny…doesn’t hate it. No matter what he tells Spidey.

"So do you," Sue says, around a mouthful of toast. "Wash your uniform more often, sweetie."

Ben starts to cackle. "You tell ‘im, Susie."

Johnny sighs. These conversations never go the way he wants.

* * *

"Spidey isn’t even interested in me," Johnny tries. "I don’t think he even likes guys." He’s never shown the slightest indication that he’s interested in men, anyways. He calls Johnny "handsome" and "pretty boy" all the time, it’s true, but Johnny’s heard him call other men the former. He flirts with Johnny all the time too, but Spidey’s just like that with everyone. Literally. Johnny’s watched him flirt up a storm even with bad guys. He doesn’t think it means anything when it’s directed at him other than Spidey being a big ol’ flirt. With everyone. He probably doesn’t even notice he’s doing it. "I mean, he said he had a girlfriend once. He probably doesn’t like me."

Sue gives him a distinctly irritated look. "Is this really the time to be having this conversation?" she says, voice strained.

She’s currently holding up about a hundred tons of brick wall with one of her forcefields. It’s all that’s keeping her and Johnny from being crushed to death.

"Well," he deadpans, "when else are we gonna have the chance? And, hey, sis? This is not a good look for you."

Sue scowls. "I’m seriously considering letting this crush you," she tells him.

Johnny’s not worried. She loves him too much to ever let anything bad happen to him.

But it’s true! Johnny wouldn’t say it if it weren’t. She’s sweaty and there are veins popping out of her forehead from the effort she’s putting in keeping that debris from killing them all and her hair’s disheveled and full of dust and grime and she needed a manicure, like, yesterday.

Looks are important. That’s something that being a celebrity has taught Johnny.

"I’m saying we should go relax after this. Get our nails done," Johnny says. He squints at her messy hair. "Maybe a haircut."

"Okay," Sue grits out. "I’ll let this crush you and then I’ll go get my nails done. Alone. I’ll get them to write ‘JOHNNY STINKS’ on them.”

Johnny shakes his head. "Too many letters," he tells her.

"I’ll make it work,” Sue says.

Johnny believes her. Sue has a habit of doing whatever she puts her mind to. How else could she singlehandedly have led Fantastic Four, Inc. into being one of the most lucrative companies on the planet practically overnight? And the money just keeps rolling in.

The press thinks it’s because of Reed and his inventions, but…he’d be nowhere without Sue and her business smarts, and everyone in the company knows it.

Johnny’s watched her in those board meetings. She is… _fantastic_.

She also needs a break every now and then, and it’s Johnny’s brotherly responsibility to make sure she gets them.

* * *

Sue brings up their conversation later, when they’re at a ritzy spa, getting massages, manipedis, and relaxing after saving the world for the umpteenth time.

Sue’s sipping a mai tai and cruelly not letting Johnny have any. It’s not his fault he was born so many years after her. He’s turning twenty-one in a few months. This so isn’t fair.

She’ll let him risk his life saving the world, but she won’t let him have a sip of her cocktail? Sue doesn’t make sense sometimes.

Johnny resents her.

"Just because he likes girls doesn’t mean he can’t like boys," she reminds him. " _You_ like both."

Dammit. She’s right. "Well," Johnny says, snuggling into his downy-soft robe. "That’s true, but it still doesn’t mean he likes _me_."

Sue looks up at the ceiling, gives a long-suffering sigh, and downs the rest of her mai tai in one long gulp.

Johnny watches jealously.

He can’t wait until he’s twenty-one. He’ll drink all of the fruity cocktails he can get his hands on. The prettier the better.

* * *

"He found them on the street!" Johnny shouts the time he comes home from a night out with Spidey with an armful of yellow roses. "What was he supposed to do, leave them there?"

Spidey’d shown up at their selected meeting place—the top of the Empire State Building—with slightly crushed roses wedged under one arm.

He’d said, "Pretty flowers for the prettiest guy in town," and then shoved them at Johnny, told this long, convoluted story about how he happened across them that Johnny didn’t entirely follow, and not said anything else about it the whole night.

Johnny still doesn’t know what to make of it.

"He did _not_ bring me flowers," Johnny insists. "He just…had them when he met up with me. And then he decided to give them to me."

It’s a subtle distinction but a crucial one, Johnny thinks.

Ben, grinning widely, a mischievous glint in his eyes that does not bode well for Johnny, opens his mouth to say something.

Johnny holds up a hand to stop him. "Don’t you dare say a word, Benjy," he warns, and then flees to his room with the incriminating flowers.

The sounds of Benjy’s latest rendition of "The K-i-s-s-i-n-g Song" chase him all the way down the corridor.

Oh, but this is mortifying.

* * *

He invites Spidey to watch wrestling at the Baxter Building a few days later, after Spidey mentions he likes it. They have all the channels, Johnny tells him.

It only occurs to him afterward that it might be a terrible idea.

He begs his family—especially Ben—not to embarrass him. They’re all sprawled out around the living room, exhausted after a busy day of fighting the Mole Man and his army of moloids in Subterranea.

"Just don’t bring up the dating thing," he begs. "Or tell embarrassing stories about me. Please?"

He knows it’s probably pointless. Reed and Ben have a whole arsenal of embarrassing stories to tell about Johnny. That’s what happens when two jerks meet you when you’re ten and don’t know any better.

"You should invite him to dinner, Johnny,” Reed pipes up from his favorite armchair. He’s looking decidedly more puddle-like than normal. "Give us the chance to get to know him."

Johnny does not like the twinkle in his eye. No. Nuh-uh. There’s no way that’s ending well for Johnny or Spidey. Mostly Spidey.

"Yeah!" Benjy agrees. "I’ve been meanin’ ta give him the whole ‘You hurt the kid, I’ll squash you like a bug’ speech." He punctuates the ’squash’ by smashing his fist against the palm of his open hand.

"An excellent idea, Ben!" Reed says enthusiastically. He thumps his fist against the armrest. "I think I’ll join you."

Johnny blanches. "You wouldn’t," he says, looking back and forth between them. He doesn’t like the way they’re smiling. Those smiles are trouble. "Benjy. Reed. No. We aren’t dating. You can’t give the speech to someone I’m not dating. You really shouldn’t give the speech to anyone, but _especially_ not to someone I’m not dating."

"But the flowers," Sue says. She’s lying face down on the sofa, precisely where she collapsed the moment they walked in, her face obscured by the long sweep of her peroxide blonde hair. She props herself up on one arm and blows the hair away from her face with a puff of breath. "Sweetie, do you really expect us to believe you aren’t dating him after the flowers?"

"I don’t care what it looks like!" Johnny shouts, throwing up his hands. "We are _not_ dating!" He shakes a finger at Ben and Reed. "Do not give him the speech." He presses his hands together and does his best to look angelic and give them his best puppy-dog eyes. It worked like a charm on them when he was a kid. Which he isn’t, anymore. “Please?"

Reed and Ben exchange wryly amused looks, and Johnny knows he’s in trouble. They’re doing that thing they do when they’re plotting something terrible, something that’s going to make Johnny suffer.

Why are they like this? What did Johnny ever do to them?

The dozens of pranks he’s played on them over the years don’t count. Neither do all of the times he’s made fun of them. They’re older than him. They should be too mature to sink to his level.

"Well, we gave Wyatt the speech," Reed muses, a playful quirk to his lips. "And Crystal. It would be unfair not to give one to Spider-Man, don’t you think, Benjamin?"

Ben nods very seriously, as though he and Reed are conferring on matters of great importance. "Definitely."

Johnny presses a hand to his face. He has the most embarrassing family on the planet, he thinks for what is surely neither the first nor the last time. "I can’t believe you guys did that. Please tell me you didn’t really."

He owes Crys and Wyatt some apologies, it turns out.

"They did," Sue says, her voice emerging from somewhere beneath that pile of hair. "I told them not to because you wouldn’t like it, but they didn’t listen."

Sue could have stopped them if she’d really wanted to, and everyone knows it.

She tends to do this when Reed and Ben plot to make Johnny’s life miserable in ways they find hilarious. She won’t actively join in, but she’ll sure as hell tag along, spectate, and enjoy herself.

Of course, there’s no way to prove any of that, and that is the genius of Sue. She always manages to keep herself above the fray—partially because no one, not even Johnny, is dumb enough to mess with someone who can make their clothes invisible at embarrassing moments on a whim—by not getting involved.

Maybe she fools Reed and Ben into thinking she’s actually all grown-up and all, but Johnny knows her far too well.

"Well, I _don’t_ like it," Johnny huffs. "Do not give him the speech. Any of you."

"You’re our kid brother," Benjy says loftily. "We got certain responsibilities."

"What Ben is trying to say, John," Reed explains placidly, "is that we’re definitely giving him the speech."

Johnny collapses back on his own sofa, stares up at the ceiling, and sighs. "You guys are the worst," he informs them.

Johnny hopes that the way Reed and Ben are cackling means that they aren’t serious.

But just in case, he’ll have to make sure he keeps Spidey from ever being alone with them.

* * *

On the night in question, Spidey swings in through Johnny’s bedroom window about two hours later than they’d agreed on. Not, unfortunately, late enough to miss the dinner everyone else was planning.

"Hey, Torchy!" Spidey sings, without bothering to explain or apologize. "How’s the hottest guy this side of the Atlantic? Ready to watch some wrestling?"

"What," Johnny snaps, sitting upright indignantly. He glares at Spidey from his bed, where he’d been sprawled out and playing video games. "Who do you think is hotter than me on the other side of the Atlantic? Harry Styles? It better not be Harry Styles, because, let me tell you, I am _way_ hotter."

Spidey seems taken aback. "And I thought I was bad at taking compliments," he says ruefully. "I was trying to be nice, Hothead!"

Johnny’s scowl doesn’t so much as flicker. "Well," he says, unimpressed. "Next time try harder."

"I don’t even know who Harry Styles _is_ ," Spidey says.

Johnny really doesn’t understand how Ben, Reed, and Sue can possibly think he would ever date someone who doesn’t even know who Harry Styles is.

"Do you live under a _rock_?" Johnny huffs. He really hopes Spidey’s kidding. "How do you not know who he is?"

"Is he an actor? I don’t go to the movies much," Spidey says. "Too busy slinging webs."

Oh, god. He _isn’t_ joking. Johnny covers his eyes with his hand. "I can’t even look at you right now," he says. "We’re not friends anymore."

"Suit yourself," Spidey says. He spins around and lets himself fall backward on Johnny’s bed, and grins up at Johnny, who scoots his feet back a little. "So, we watching the game in here? Is the den occupied or something? I was kinda looking forward to your giant television. You know, the one you’ve been bragging about for months."

"Yeah," Johnny hedges, "about that. I don’t feel like watching the game. What do you say we get out of here and go beat up some bad guys?"

"Been there," Spidey says, waving a hand in the air, "done that. I was promised wrestling."

"We could go to a sports bar and watch it there," Johnny suggests.

Spidey props himself up on one arm and frowns at Johnny. "What’s going on, Torch? You’re acting like you want to get rid of me." He presses a hand to his heart and gasps, mock-hurt. "You’re not ashamed to be seen with me, are you, buddy?"

"Yes," Johnny deadpans. "That’s exactly it. Let’s go."

"Ouch," Spidey winces. "I walked right into that one, didn’t I?"

"You don’t even know who Harry Styles is," Johnny reminds him. “I’m totally embarrassed to be seen with you."

Spidey sighs. "Now look what you did," he complains bitterly. "I’m gonna have to look up who he is. I hate googling things."

He actually mispronounces ‘googling.’ Johnny’s not sure how. "You shouldn’t—Spidey, you shouldn’t have to," he says. "He’s everywhere."

"Not my everywhere," Spidey scoffs. "Unless he’s on a billboard—"

"Probably several," Johnny says.

"—I won’t know who he is," Spidey finishes. "Has he really been on billboards? Is he that guy with the funny goatee? Oops. I’ve been going around the city drawing glasses on him when I get bored. He’s got an annoying face. You're right, he's not hotter than you."

Johnny has no idea who Spidey is talking about, which is fine, because Spidey doesn’t either. "Tell you what," he says. "Let’s go somewhere else and I’ll tell you who Harry Styles is. No googling required."

"You really are trying to get rid of me, aren’t you?" Spidey says. "Is everything okay? If your family’s been kidnapped by Paste-Pot or something, blink twice."

"Paste-Pot?" Johnny scoffs. "As if."

"Was that two blinks?" Spidey says. He launches to his feet. "That was two blinks. Okay, whose butt do I have to kick?"

"That was not two blinks!" Johnny yells, yanking Spidey back down. "Really, I’m fine. Everyone’s fine. There are no bad guys in the Baxter Building. There are a ton of totally annoying people in the Baxter Building, but no bad guys."

Spidey settles on the bed. "Then what is it, Torch?"

Dammit. Spidey’s got him a little bit over a barrel here. "No. You’ll laugh," Johnny says, shaking his head. "I don’t think I want to tell you."

"I won’t laugh," Spidey says. He holds up a hand in what is most definitely an incorrect version of the Boy Scout pledge. "Scout’s honor."

"You’ve never been a boy scout in your life," Johnny scoffs.

"Besides the point," Spidey sniffs. "Spill, Torchy."

Johnny rolls his eyes. "Fine," he sighs. He’s so going to regret this. "So Reed, Ben, and Sue are kind of convinced that you and I are…involved."

Spidey frowns. "Involved how?"

Johnny raises his eyebrows. Spidey’ll catch on.

When it finally hits him, Spidey guffaws so hard he falls backward onto the bed and howls with laughter for a solid five minutes.

"You said you weren’t going to laugh," Johnny complains. "It’s not my fault!"

"Oh, this is too good!" Spidey chortles. "Torchy, be honest—did you tell them we were dating?"

"No!" Johnny says immediately. "Ben likes teasing me about this stuff, and then it turned out Reed and Sue kind of had the same idea and…now it’s a _thing_. They won’t stop bugging me about it! Ben spent three hours this morning following me around and singing that ‘K-i-s-s-i-n-g’ song! I’m going nuts, Spidey!"

Spidey laughs some more, clutching at his sides and rolling around on Johnny’s bed, while Johnny watches him surlily.

He hates everyone in this building. Maybe New York City.

"Please tell me there’s video of that," Spidey says when he calms down enough to get words out.

"You’ll probably get to see it yourself," Johnny says flatly. "They want us to have dinner with them."

The laughter dies away immediately. Spidey stares at Johnny blankly for a moment. "What?" he says. "Why do they want us to do that?"

"They want to get to know you better," Johnny says. "I think Ben and Reed want to give you the ‘if you hurt him, we’ll hurt you’ speech, which apparently is a thing they do." His eyes light up. "But, hey! You can stop this! Just tell them you aren’t into guys. They can’t try to get me to date you then!"

It’s a perfect plan. Why hadn’t Johnny thought of it earlier?

"Hmm," Spidey says pensively. "I guess I could lie if you wanted me to."

Johnny doesn’t know why, but his heart begins to race. Spidey likes guys? Johnny didn’t know that.

But no. No. It’s not important. Why does it matter? It doesn’t. At all. Because Johnny’s not interested in Spidey. He couldn’t care less. It’s just. It’s because this is another thing they have in common. That’s it. That’s why Johnny got excited.

His excitement vanishes completely when Spidey grins. "It’d be funnier if I didn’t. Nah. I don’t think I want to."

"I hate you," Johnny says bitterly. "Don’t be a jerk. You don’t know what I’ve been through. Dude, it’s been weeks. I think they just want me to be over my break-up with Crys so they’ve decided I should date you. Clearly, they don’t have standards."

"Unfortunately for them," Spidey says airily. "I do."

Johnny thwacks him in the face with a pillow. Spidey doesn’t duck it, even though he could have, and snickers at Johnny’s indignation.

"Let’s get one thing straight, Web-Head," Johnny grinds out, "we aren’t dating because I’m too good for you, and don’t you forget it."

"Interesting," Spidey says teasingly. "You didn’t say that it was because you don’t have feelings for me. Or because you don’t think I’m cute. Can’t blame you." He preens. "I am totally cute."

Johnny has to shove down the urge to strangle him. It probably wouldn’t work anyways. Spidey’s a lot stronger than Johnny. "I don’t even know what you look like under there," he snaps. "How can I think you’re cute if I don’t know what you look like?"

"Doesn’t matter," Spidey teases, a huge grin beneath his mask. "You totally like me. Admit it."

"I do not," Johnny splutters. His face feels strangely hot. "Why does everyone always think that?"

"Maybe it’s the way you fawn all over me," Spidey says. "People notice these things, Torch."

That crack is so outrageous it startles a laugh out of Johnny. "I do not. I have never fawned, not once. If anyone’s fawned over anyone, you’ve fawned over me."

"Whaaaat?" Spidey squawks. "When did I do that?"

"The thing with Doc Ock," Johnny reminds him. "You climbed in through my window, said I helped you catch him, and then you thanked me. You fawned."

Spidey seems to be enjoying this conversation significantly less now. "It wasn’t fawning."

"Well, it felt like fawning," Johnny sniffs. "It felt exactly like fawning. I bet you had posters of me all over your bedroom when you were in high school." He holds up a hand when Spidey tries to protest. "Don’t feel bad. Tons of people did. You, on the other hand, the only posters anyone had of you were up in the post office."

It’s Spidey’s turn to laugh. "You wish," he says. "I bet _you_ had posters of _me_ all over your bedroom when you were in high school."

"I did not," Johnny says. He doesn’t think he did, anyway.

"Don’t believe you," Spidey says. He rises to his feet and starts heading towards the door. "Think I’ll go ask your sister."

"Don’t bring her into this, Web-Head!" Johnny hollers, chasing after him into the hallway. "This is between you and me!"

Oh, god, he hopes he didn’t. He had a lot of posters! Maybe Spidey was in one or two, but they weren’t there because of him.

It’s totally not fair that Spidey can ask Sue for incriminating information, but there’s no one Johnny can ask about Spidey because he doesn’t actually know very much about him.

"Hey, Mrs. Richards!" Spidey’s shouting in the middle of the hallway, hands cupped around his mouth. "Where are you? I got embarrassing questions to ask about the Torch!"

"Do not," Johnny hisses, trying to cover Spidey’s mouth with his hand, although very unsuccessfully, because Spidey manages to snag his wrists without even trying. Johnny struggles against his grasp, but it's futile. "Spidey! Don’t ask her."

"We’re over here!" Sue calls back. "In the kitchen!"

Johnny and Spidey can hear, very plainly, the sounds of Ben groaning, loudly enough that he must know they can hear, "Aw, c’mon, Suzy, don’t tell ‘em where we are!"

It’s followed by Sue hissing something at him that they’re too far away to hear, but Johnny’s sure it must be something along the lines of how he has to be polite to Spidey.

"Look at all of this delicious food!" Spidey coos the moment he walks into the kitchen. There are expensive steaks and potatoes and pies spread out around the table, none of which Johnny helped make, despite his talent for cooking and baking. He categorically refused to have anything to do with this farce.

Reed and Sue are busy setting out the cutlery on the elaborately decorated dinner table. Oy. They’re breaking out the good china for Spidey. The kind they use when presidents and kings and queens come to pay them a visit.

Spidey doesn’t rate this treatment! He’s a nobody from somewhere around Queens, judging by that thick accent.

"Mrs. Richards! This looks amazing!" Spidey says enthusiastically. "I think I love your cooking. And you." He goes down on one knee and presses his hands to his heart. "Marry me?"

Sue’s eyes widen in shock for a split second, but then she bursts into flattered peals of laughter.

Reed’s smiling at them from the other end of the table. "I’m afraid I beat you to the punch on that one, son," he says to Spidey. "And I’m not particularly inclined to give her up."

"Hey," Spidey says hastily, springing to his feet. "Dr. Richards! Don’t misunderstand. I never said you weren’t invited too."

Johnny hates it when Spidey flirts with his family. Can he just stop being _him_ for five minutes? "Dude, would you stop flirting with my sister and my brother-in-law?" he complains. "It’s really weird."

Sue’s been laughing pretty hard throughout all of this. She knows it’s just Spidey clowning around as well as Johnny does. "Oh, stop," she says. "All of you. Besides, Spidey, you’re proposing to the wrong person." She points to the kitchen, where Benjy’s standing in front of the stove in a chef’s hat and one of his many vaguely insulting aprons. "Ben made this food."

"He can marry us too," Spidey says, undeterred. "It’ll be a very progressive marriage." His head moves in a way that makes Johnny pretty sure he just winked at Reed. "You too, Dr. Richards."

"Not a chance, Web-Head!" Ben shouts good-naturedly. "Y’ ain’t good enough fer me, much less Suzy and Stretcho here!"

"I’m also going to have to say no, Spider-Man," Reed says kindly. "I’m fairly certain that you’re a little young for me under that mask."

"I’ll get older," Spidey tries. "It happens to everyone, y’know."

Sue’s been watching Johnny and his scowling face fairly intently throughout all of this.

Oh, no. She’s going to say something embarrassing, isn’t she? He shakes his head to signal that she should absolutely not say whatever she’s about to.

She glances at Spidey again, a smile playing around her lips, and cocks her head. "Spidey, are you sure I’m the Storm you want to be proposing to?"

Johnny smacks a hand against his face and imagines what it’d be like to be able to turn invisible. There are times when he’s convinced Sue got the best powers.

Spidey leans towards Sue. "Between you and me, Mrs. Richards," he confides, voice lowered to a stage whisper, behind an upraised hand, “I’m afraid if I ask your brother, he’ll say yes, and why would I ask a flamebrain like him to marry me when there’s a beautiful lady like you around?"

Sue starts to laugh again, and Spidey and the rest join her, those heels. Johnny hates being the butt of everyone’s jokes.

"I’m so stupid. Why did I have to go and tell you about that?" Johnny complains to Spidey. "Of course you’re making fun of me too. How did I not see this coming?"

Johnny regrets everything.

Spidey puts his arm around Johnny’s shoulders and squeezes. "What else are friends for, Torchy?" he says sympathetically. "I am always down to make fun of you."

"I hate you," Johnny says, shaking his head. "You are the literal worst."

Spidey grins through his mask. "Aw, Torchy," he coos. "So are you."

* * *

Sue asks Johnny to help her put frosting on a cake before they all sit down to eat. Johnny refuses at first, just on principle, but also because he’s busy watching Spidey chat with Ben and Reed like a hawk, but when he notices Sue’s doing it all wrong, he takes over.

He realizes much too late that her pretended incompetences is part of an evil plot so that Ben and Reed could get Spidey alone. Dammit! They must have planned this. This is what Johnny gets for underestimating them. They are using his love of cooking against him, because they know how upset Johnny gets when Sue tries to cook and does it badly, which is always. Sue has many talents, but cooking is not one of them.

It’s not until he’s done explaining to Sue how to properly ice a cake that he realizes that they are alone in the kitchen.

"Oh, no," he says, eyes wide. "Where the hell is everyone else, sis?"

"I think they were headed towards Reed’s lab," Sue says idly. "Why?"

"Why the hell didn’t you say something?" Johnny hisses. "Oh, god. Reed’s gonna shoot him into space or something, isn’t he?"

"I doubt whether he’d do anything that drastic, bro," Sue says, rolling her eyes as she licks some frosting off of her finger. "He’s probably just going to scare the kid a little. For fun.”

"Spidey doesn’t scare easy," Johnny says. "He’s gonna end up shooting him into space, isn’t he? I don’t have that many friends, Sue! Reed can’t keep shooting my friends into space! Then I’ll have none!"

Sue gives him an exasperated look. "Calm down, baby brother. He’d never shot any of your friends into space the last time I checked."

"There’s always gotta be a first one!" Johnny hollers. He starts heading out of the kitchen. Maybe if he gets there in time, he can stop Reed from doing anything potentially lethal or, worse yet, embarrassing. "Aw, why’d it haveta be Spidey? He was starting to grow on me. I only felt like punching him in the face maybe like half the time I was with him! It was  _progress_."

* * *

When he reaches Reed’s lab, Spidey, luckily, is still in one piece. He and Reed and Ben are all gathered around a table full of carefully arrayed, shiny silver machines that Johnny doesn’t recognize.

And that definitely wasn’t there this morning. Johnny’s pretty sure about that because he chased a chortling Ben right through that spot when he got sick of all of the singing.

"Hey, Torch!" Spidey calls out chipperly when he spots Johnny. He sticks his hand up in the air and waves. "Reed was just showing me his collection of things that can kill you in really painful ways."

"Excruciatingly painful," Reed corrects. "Would be the more accurate way of putting that."

"And not leave any evidence," Ben adds. "Don’t ferget that part."

"I didn’t," Spidey says breezily. "Message received, guys, loud and clear. I hurt Johnny, you hurt me. Got it."

"Now, we didn’t say that," Ben says, grinning toothily. "We wuz just showing you our interesting collection of alien artifacts. Right, Stretcho?"

"Exactly, Ben," Reed nods in agreement, hands shoved into the pockets of his white lab coat. "They’re fascinating, Johnny. I was sure a boy as interested in science as Spider-Man here would be intrigued."

"I’m sure they are," Johnny says dryly. He makes sure he positions himself between Reed and Ben and Spidey, just in case. "You guys are still jerks, though."

"We didn’t say anything," Reed says innocently. "We respected your wishes. You didn’t say we couldn’t show him our collection of weapons. Mostly deactivated ones, but I could probably repair them fairly quickly." His neck lengthens so he can smirk at Spidey over Johnny’s shoulder. "Just so you know."

"I’m not hurting Johnny," Spidey says, holding up his hands. "We aren’t dating. He’s just my guy friend. Like you and Ben. Totally platonic."

Reed and Ben exchange awkward glances that they think Johnny doesn’t understand. God. One of these days they’ll realize he isn’t a kid anymore.

"You brought him flowers," Reed sniffs. "I don’t bring Ben flowers."

"Ben brought you flowers last week," Johnny points out.

"It was for an experiment!" Reed and Ben both holler at the same time.

"Yeah," Johnny says, making it clear he’s just humoring them. Johnny has no idea why they won’t just admit to him that their relationship isn’t platonic. “Sure. Spidey, how about we get you outta here before they decide to actually use some of their toys on you? Or shoot you into space or something."

Reed and Ben’s eyes both light up, and Johnny could kick himself. He knows from experience—if you say things like that around Reed and Ben, they’ll damn well do it just to see if they can.

That's how Ben ended up getting shrunk to the size of a pea last week. And the week before that, Reed accidentally made all of the water in the building sentient, and it was not happy about the amount of waste that was going on, and, oh, it was a nightmare.

"Now there’s an idea!" Reed says excitedly, at the exact same moment that Ben says, "Stretch, could we? Please? I’ve never shot anyone inta space before!"

"Yes," Reed says pensively. "I think it would be fairly simple to shoot Spider-Man into space. If we had reason to."

"No!" Johnny hollers. "No shooting anyone into space! Reed. C’mon, man. I don’t go around shooting your friends into space, now do I?"

Reed concedes the point. "You do, on the other hand, repeatedly set my best friend on fire."

Ben nods along in agreement. "He also left me sleepin’ out on the roof yesterday!" he complains. "Don’t know how he got my bed up there by himself."

Well, that has an easy answer. Reed helped Johnny do it with some of his gizmos, and Johnny got all of the blame.

"Yeah," Johnny says, looking over at Reed pointedly. "I wonder how I managed to do that all on my own. It’s almost like I had help. From someone really smart." He puts an arm around Spidey’s shoulders and steers him away, right as Ben explodes at Reed. That’s what Reed gets, thinking he can play Ben and Johnny against each other without getting caught up in the drama. "Let’s go, pal. We’re too good for them."

"They wouldn’t really kill me, would they?" Spidey asks once they’re safely out of earshot. "Or shoot me into space."

"They definitely wouldn’t kill you," Johnny reassures him. "There’s no way they’d ever do that."

"And they wouldn’t shoot me into space either," Spidey repeats. "Right?"

"Welllll," Johnny hedges. "Not space, exactly. They might send you to a planet they knew was mostly safe and then go get you later. They’d probably think it was funny." He scrunches up his nose. "Maybe a couple of days later. Whenever me or Sue found out and yelled at them."

"Oh, man," Spidey says. He presses a hand to the side of his head. "I am never dating you. How do you ever convince anyone to date you?"

"Have you seen me?" Johnny says, gesturing at his face. "Also, I rock in bed. Besides, what Reed and Ben don’t know won’t hurt them. I don’t tell them about all of my boy- and girlfriends. They just get so weird and overprotective when I do. You wouldn’t believe some of the crap they put Dorrie and Wyatt and Crystal through. Do you know Reed tried to get me to keep the door open whenever I was alone with them? Even after I turned eighteen. I think they forget I’m not a kid anymore. They look at me and they still see a ten-year-old kid who’s all blue eyes and blond curls, and I’m just not him anymore, and I don’t know how to make them see that.”

"I know what that’s like," Spidey says ruefully.

"Oh?" Johnny says. "Your dad do that too?"

"Nah," Spidey says. "I don’t have a dad."

"Oh," Johnny says awkwardly. "Me neither. Except Reed, I guess you could say." He frowns. "You know what? Don’t tell him I said that."

"I’m totally telling him you said that," Spidey grins. "Maybe then he won’t shoot me into space."

"Eh," Johnny shrugs. "He still might. Reed can be pretty unpredictable sometimes. He thinks he’s Mr. Logic, but…he’s really not."

* * *

The rest of dinner continues very much in that vein. Spidey’s more than happy to join in the jokes at Johnny’s expense. Because of course he is, and why did Johnny ever think he’d be different?

The worst part is when Spidey gets Sue and the rest to tell embarrassing stories about Johnny. Oh, Spidey’ll be able to use this against Johnny for years.

No one needed to know about his soul patch phase. It’s a dark, shameful secret. Why’d Sue have to pull out pictures?

Reed does his best to ferret personal information out of Spidey. Once Spidey spills the fact that he’s a student at Empire State University, Ben and Reed’s old alma mater, the conversation branches out in directions neither Sue nor Johnny can entirely follow.

Johnny’s glad when dinner’s over and the adults finally decide to leave the two lovebirds, as Ben calls them, on their own.

"Well, that was even more embarrassing than I thought it’d be," Johnny says ruefully. "Thanks for nothing, Web-Head."

"Anytime, Soul Patch," Spidey says, grinning. "Anytime."

Johnny narrows his eyes at Spidey. "One day, the tables will be turned," he says. "And I will get my revenge."

Spidey snorts. "Not if I can help it, pal. You’re never finding out my real name."

"We’ll just see about that, Bugface," Johnny says, and he means it.

* * *

Johnny says goodbye to Spidey late, late at night. He’s sure everyone else is fast asleep by now.

He’s wrong.

When he shuts the window after Spidey and turns back around, he jumps a foot into the air at the discovery that Reed, Sue, and Ben have silently appeared behind him, all watching his farewell with Spidey with avid interest.

Benjy chortles at Johnny’s shock.

Johnny’s hands curl into angry fists. “Shut up, you jerk!” he snaps. “What are you guys doing? How long have you been standing there?”

Sue can turn them all invisible. It occurs to Johnny that they’ve maybe been in the room the whole time, and heard all of the complaining he did about them. Oops.

Well, serves them right for eavesdropping, and it’s not like he hasn’t said all of it to their faces before.

“Long enough,” Sue says breezily. Her eyes flick over to Spidey’s rapidly receding figure. He’s hardly visible now, where he’s swinging away through the buildings. Sue’s smirking a little. “He definitely likes you. Are you going to ask him out?”

Johnny can’t believe this is happening. Again. “He does _not_ like me!” he hollers, and pushes past them, although, of course, they all trail behind him down the hallway. All Johnny has to do is get to his room, and then he can slam his door and lock them all out. “God, would you guys just get off my back?”

“He laughed at all of your jokes,” Sue points out.

“My jokes are hilarious!” Johnny huffs. “Of course he did.”

“They aren’t funny, and only someone who liked you would laugh at them,” Sue says. “He likes you, bro.”

Johnny doesn’t buy it. “We have the same sense of humor. You just don’t get it.”

“If you say so,” Sue says, although it’s clear she’s just humoring him.

“He spent more time looking at you than the wrestling match,” Reed pipes up. “John. He does seem to have taken a shine to you.”

“I thought you didn’t want me to date him,” Johnny snaps.

Reed shrugs. “To be fair, I haven’t found anyone I think deserves to date you,” he says. “Spider-Man has his good points and his bad ones.”

“And he’s a superhero, so we can always shoot him inta space if he gets us mad,” Ben adds.

“Exactly,” Reed says, nodding. “Ben understands.”

“No!” Johnny and Sue say at the same time.

“You absolutely can’t do that,” Sue scolds. “We could all get sued! Again! Reed, you aren’t made of money.”

“Now, Susan,” Reed says, “I can always just invent something new to cover the costs. It would be worth it, I think.”

“Or we could make it look like an accident,” Ben suggests. “No one but us would know. There are an awful lot of accidents around here.”

“Whose fault is _that_ , Ben?” Johnny says.

“Yours,” Reed says.

“Yeah, yours,” Ben says.

“Definitely yours,” Sue tells him.

“No, come on, guys, it’s Reed’s fault!” Johnny says. “Why does he leave buttons people shouldn’t press just lying around everywhere?”

“Johnny, now, I know this fact may shock you, but most people don’t press buttons without asking first,” Reed says. “Especially if they don’t know what something does.”

Johnny throws his hands in the air exasperatedly. “Where’s the fun in that? Buttons are for _pressing_. It’s like telling me not to drive my cars. It’s what they’re _for_.”

Reed’s eyes light up. “Ben! Sue! I have an idea about how we can ‘accidentally’ shoot Spidey into space,” he says. “We put a button on a teleporter and tell Johnny not to press it. Spidey will be gone in no time.”

“Oh, the kid’s mincemeat,” Ben says, shaking his head sympathetically. “The squirt here’s never found a button he didn’t wanna press.”

“I play lots of video games,” Johnny grinds out. “Button-pressing is a _thing_.”

Why does everyone always pick on him?

Sue nods. “You know, that plan could work,” she tells Reed. “Just enough plausible deniability.”

Johnny presses a hand to his face. Oh, man. If they’ve got Sue onboard, this is probably happening. He recognizes defeat when he sees it. “Well, if we’re gonna shoot him into space,” he says resignedly, “can we at least send him somewhere funny?”

Johnny has to get something good out of this, and annoying Spidey is always fun.

The other three smile at Johnny, and if Johnny was a better person, he’d probably be feeling pretty bad for Spidey right about now.

* * *

Spidey kisses Johnny for the first time on a blustery, overcast evening. It's late at night, and there's a chill in the air that Johnny can tell means it's probably going to rain soon.

It's been a nice night. Peaceful. He and Spidey teamed up to take down the Vulture, and afterward they decided to grab some pizza and head out to the usual place.

They're sitting side by side, a pizza box spread out between them, on top of the Statue of Liberty. It’s kind of fitting for them to have their first kiss there, Johnny decides later. If he could’ve picked any spot in the world, that would’ve been it. They’ve got a lot of memories up there.

There's no warning or anything before Spidey kisses Johnny. One minute, Johnny's talking excitedly about this new car engine he's designing and plans to enter into a mechanical engineering contest—he wants to show Reed, Ben, and, above all, Sue a medal that he earned by himself, without their help—and the next, Spidey's leaning over and kissing Johnny before he's even finished his sentence.

It’s quick. Fleeting. A press of cold lips against his, the tip of Spidey’s nose like ice.

Johnny’s mouth drops open afterward, and he stares at Spidey, stunned.

"Sorry," Spidey says. "Should I…not have?"

"No!" Johnny says, pulling himself together, and he's a little surprised to realize that he really is okay with it. "I mean, I didn't mind or anything. I’ll kiss practically anyone." He frowns. "But, uh, why’d you do it? I thought you weren’t interested.”

Spidey shrugs. "I dunno," he says. "You were talking and I just…” He bites his lip pensively. “…wanted to. So I did.” He glances over at Johnny, and Johnny wishes for what’s probably the hundredth time that he could see his face. “You're sure you're not mad?"

"No, I'm not mad," Johnny reassures him, before changing tacks. “Well, I’m a little mad. That was a pretty lame kiss."

He swallows down a smile. He can never resist teasing Spidey. He’s so easy to piss off and so funny when he’s angry.

Spidey stiffens. "It was not!"

"Was so!"

"Was not! And anyways,” Spidey grumbles, “it's not like you helped.”

"You caught me by surprise!" Johnny protests indignantly. "I can do better when I have a little warning."

"I can do better when the guy I'm kissing doesn't just sit there like he thinks he's made of stone.”

"Well," Johnny says as he gets to his feet and dusts himself off, "I guess we're just gonna have to try that again." He extends a hand to help Spidey up. "Show me what you got, bug boy."

"Spiders aren't bugs," Spidey says grumpily, but he takes Johnny's hand anyways and lets him pull him up to his feet. "Why doesn't anyone know that?"

“Maybe it’s because you have a bug face," Johnny tells him. "Hate to break it to you."

"It's a spider face," Spidey corrects. “Or an arachnid face.”

"That's not a thing. Besides, don't spiders normally have eight legs?" Johnny asks. "You only have two."

"Ha," Spidey says. "You should have seen me a few months ago."

Johnny doesn't know what that means, and he's sure he doesn't want to. "Do not explain that."

"I had six arms," Spidey says, undeterred, looping the two he currently has around Johnny's waist. "It was freaky."

Johnny makes a scrunchy, disgusted face, but he lets Spidey pull him closer. "I don't know if I want to kiss you now that I know that. I think I have to go rinse my mouth out with soap.”

Spidey’s smiling. “Well, hey, I’ve watched you eat two jars of jelly beans in one sitting," he teases. "I don't hold it against you."

"Thirty-six hot dogs," Johnny reminds him. "In an hour."

"I wasn't going to let them go to waste,” Spidey sniffs. "If you don't understand that, pal, this relationship is just not gonna work out."

"Relationship?" Johnny says, a smile he can't suppress spreading across his face. He slips his arms up around Spidey’s neck. “Aw, Spidey, do you want to date me?"

"No!" Spidey says. "Don't be ridiculous. I'd have to be stupid to want to date you. For one thing, your brothers might shoot me into space."

Johnny still can’t stop smiling. “I’m like ninety percent sure they were kidding about that. Probably. Also, Sue may or may not be involved now, so be careful. But they were joking. I think. I mean, unless they weren’t. I can’t tell sometimes.”

“None of that—Johnny, none of that was comforting. That was the _opposite_ of comforting.”

“Even if they shot you into space, they wouldn’t kill you?” Johnny tries. “I told them to send you somewhere funny. Somewhere you’d hate.”

“Thanks for defending me, Torchy. That makes me feel better about our relationship.”

“Well, we weren’t dating then.”

“So now that we are, just to check, you’re going to tell them _not_ to shoot me into space? Right?”

“Nah, that would backfire. It’s better if they keep me in the loop. I promise I’ll get them to send you somewhere you’ll hate, but not somewhere that’ll kill you. And I’ll come get you as soon as I can. So like an hour.”

“Johnny,” Spidey says. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”

“Okay, yes. I’ll probably let you stew for a while before I go get you. Let’s say a week.”

“Johnny!”

“Kidding.”

“Do you see what I mean? We’re probably going to drive each other so crazy we’ll end up killing each other after a week,” Spidey sighs. “Why are we doing this? It’s a bad idea.”

He’s really trying to talk himself out of this, isn’t he? "We won't find out till we try it,” Johnny says. “I promise my obituary for you will be really nice. I won't even mention the hot dog thing.” He pauses and reconsiders. “No, that’s a lie. I’m totally mentioning it.”

"Give me one good reason why I should date you," Spidey says. “I shouldn’t. I really didn’t think this through.”

Johnny leans forward and kisses Spidey. He gives it everything he has, and so does Spidey, and it's so much better than the last one. He doesn’t know how long it lasts, but it feels like a long time.

Spidey, it turns out, really is an excellent kisser. He knows exactly what to do to get Johnny's knees to go embarrassingly weak, and to leave him reeling once it’s over.

Johnny presses his forehead against Spidey’s. “This really is going to be a lot of trouble,” he warns.

“Yeah,” Spidey sighs. “I know.”

He doesn’t move away. Johnny takes that as a good sign.

“We don’t have to,” Johnny says. “We can just call it quits right now. Go back to the friend thing. We were getting good at that.”

“We could,” Spidey agrees. “But we’re not going to.”

Johnny beams. “No,” he agrees. “I guess we aren’t.”

“Wanna make out?” Spidey grins. “I _did_ buy you dinner.”

Johnny looks put out. “ _I_ paid for the pizza.”

“I paid for it in spirit,” Spidey says, undeterred. “Besides, it’s not the right Ray’s Pizza. Again. One of these days you’ll find the right one. Maybe I’ll draw you a map.”

“I guess we can make out in spirit then, too,” Johnny teases. “I’ll meet you at Ray’s Pizza, since you like it so much. Have fun making out with the pizza instead of me.”

"And finally consummate my torrid love affair with pizza," Spidey agrees. "I could get behind that."

Johnny shakes his head, smiling fondly. "Have I ever told you you're an idiot?" 

Spidey thinks about it. "Yeah. Loads of times.”

Johnny snorts. “Well,” he says, pulling Spidey down after him. “You really, really are.”

He seals his mouth over Spidey’s, and tries not to think about what Ben, Reed, and Sue are going to say when they inevitably find out about this.

* * *

He and Spidey make out for about an hour, and afterward, when their lips are so overused they’ve gone numb, Spidey rolls off of Johnny and lies on his back, rests his head on his arm, and grins like he just won the lottery. It’s a fair reaction. Johnny’d be grinning like that too if he had the chance to make out with a guy as hot as him.

“You know we can’t tell anyone about this, right?” Johnny says, staring up at the cloudy night sky.

“Oh, no,” Spidey sighs. “It’s starting already. The regret. The embarrassment.”

“No!” Johnny says. “Come on. It isn’t that. I just don’t want to give my family the satisfaction of knowing they were right.”

Spidey groans. “Oh, boy. That’s worse! What have I gotten myself in for?”

“A lot of really sexy sneaking around,” Johnny says. He props himself up so he can look down at Spidey’s mask, which is still raised up over the tip of his nose. He has a great mouth. Johnny has rapidly come to love that mouth. “C’mon. It’ll be fun!”

Spidey grumbles something under his breath. Johnny’s positive he’s rolling his eyes under that mask.

“You can climb through my window of the middle of the night,” Johnny wheedles. “It could be kinda romantic.” He grins as filthily as he can. “You, me, and my big, big bed. Think of the possibilities.”

Spidey smiles, albeit reluctantly. “Doesn’t sound too shabby,” he says. He reaches up to caress Johnny’s cheek. “But, also, it sounds like a hassle. Can’t we just tell them? They’re bound to figure it out sooner or later. That brother-in-law of yours is no slouch, you know.”

Johnny snorts. “Sue’s the one we’ve gotta worry about,” he says. “Reed doesn’t notice that sort of thing. We could make out right in front of him and he’d never notice.”

“Fine, so Sue’ll figure it out,” Spidey says. “What’s the difference? They’ll still know.”

Johnny’s mouth twists. “And make fun. That’s the part you’re leaving out.”

“C’mon,” Spidey says. “It can’t be that bad.”

“Oh, no,” Johnny says unhappily. “It’ll be worse. They’ll all be smug and act like they know so much more than me and I can’t stand it when they do that. It’s not my fault I was born later than they were.”

“Pretty sure they do know more than you do about some things there, Torchy,” Spidey says dryly. “Probably mostly everything.”

“Ha, ha,” Johnny says. “Jerk. I take back those kisses now.”

Spidey smirks. “I’d like to see you try, Storm.”

“C’mon. Please don’t tell them?”

Spidey makes an irritated noise. “Torch, what exactly is your plan here? It’s fine if we’re just fooling around, but if it gets serious? Are we just going to keep lying to them forever?”

“Yes!” Johnny says. “Duh.”

“That’s not gonna work,” Spidey says. “I think they’ll notice around the time we get married. Or if we have kids.”

“We can tell them it’s a platonic bro thing,” Johnny says. “They won’t know any better.”

“Two platonic bros, living together and having kids?” Spidey says skeptically.

“You’d be amazed at some of things you can get away with,” Johnny says. “I spent a whole weekend holding hands with Wyatt right in front of them and they never noticed we were dating until I told them. Wyatt was even sleeping in my room.” He shakes his head. “I really thought they’d notice. You know, Reed even walked in on me kissing Wyatt once and he really believed me when I said it was a thing guy friends did nowadays when they’re bored?”

Spidey chuckles. “Oh, he did not,” he says.

Johnny lifts his hand into the air. “Swear to god, Spidey. Ask Wyatt if you don’t believe me.”

Spidey agrees, in the end, to not say anything to Johnny’s family.

* * *

Spidey doesn’t take off his mask, and Johnny doesn’t ask. He gets used to making out with Spidey without knowing what he looks like over the weeks that follow.

It’s fun dating Spidey. The most fun Johnny’s had in ages. They fight criminals, crack jokes, and make out all over the city. On no rooftop or national monument is Johnny safe from Spidey’s roving lips.

Johnny knows it’s only a matter of time until they get caught.

* * *

Johnny’s lounging around in the living room, sprawled out lazily on a couch, and texting Spidey on his phone about their smoking hot date the night before, when Sue marches in, a determined look on her face, and slams a tabloid down on the coffee table in front of him.

“Guess what I saw this morning in the supermarket,” she says.

“I dunno,” Johnny says, without even deigning to look up from his phone. “Apples?”

“No!” Sue says. “Well, I mean, yes, of course they had apples—that’s not what I meant!” She shakes a finger at the tabloid. “Do you still deny you’re dating him?”

Johnny finally looks at it. Well. There it is, plain as day. He is undeniably making out with Spidey, and it is hot. The picture’s kind of grainy, clearly taken with a cell phone, and Johnny’s face is mostly obscured, but he’s wearing his FF uniform, so it’s obviously him.

He remembers this. Last night. They made out on that roof for half an hour. There are probably a lot more pictures where that came from.

Johnny doesn’t even bat an eye. He and Spidey have been preparing for this for weeks. Mostly through jokes, but, well.

“He, uh, tripped and fell on my mouth,” Johnny lies. He flops down on the couch and goes back to texting Spidey on his phone, and tries not to worry too much about whether or not Sue’s going to believe his lies. She’s probably not going to, but it doesn’t matter.

As long as Johnny doesn’t admit that he’s dating Spidey, he’s won.

Sue arches an eyebrow. It’s clear that she, in fact, doesn’t believe him. “You’re both sitting up. Also, his mask just happened to be pulled up when he fell?”

“I was giving him CPR?” Johnny tries.

“With your tongue?”

“It’s the new method.” Johnny smirks. “Or at least that’s what the hot dude in my EMT class told me last year.”

“You really aren’t going to admit that you’re dating him, are you?” Sue says incredulously. She taps her finger against that very incriminating photo in the tabloid. “You’re kissing him, baby brother, _right here_.”

“Kissing? Spidey? Me? I would never,” Johnny scoffs, right as he finishes making a date to meet Spidey later that night. He adds three heart emojis to the end of the text. And then he thinks twice and adds a couple of eggplants too. They haven’t had sex yet, but, well, it’s bound to happen sometime. Why not tonight? Does Spidey know what eggplant emojis mean, would be a better question. Johnny's guessing no. He's in for a surprise tonight, Johnny supposes. “Not in a million years. I am way out of his league. I’m so far above him he can’t even see me.”

Spidey’s going to see plenty of Johnny later tonight, but Sue doesn’t need to know anything about that.

“Spidey was probably just getting it on with the Chameleon or something,” Johnny continues.

Johnny’s gotten a lot better about lying about dating Spidey now that they’re actually dating, he thinks.

“You can’t really think he’s dating the Chameleon,” Sue says. “And you definitely can’t expect me to believe it.”

“Or maybe it’s a guy who looks exactly like me. Who he got to dress up like me too. Because I know for sure that I would never kiss him.” He lowers his voice. “Between you and me, he has serious bug breath.”

“That is not a thing,” Sue says. “And he does not.”

Johnny picks up the tabloid and makes a show of sighing pityingly and shaking his head. “Poor ol’ Spidey. Maybe you guys are right. Maybe he does have a torch for the Torch. I can’t blame him. I’m totally hot. If I were him, I’d have a thing for me too.” He sighs again. “Must be rough, spending all of that time with me without being able to do anything about it. No wonder he’s getting people to dress up like me and then kissing them. It’s sad, really, if you think about it.”

“But I thought you said this was CPR, not a kiss.”

“So he’s getting them to dress up like me and then giving them CPR,” Johnny declares, unfazed. “I don’t know what kind of weird stuff Spidey’s into.”

Johnny, alas, knows exactly what kind of weird stuff Spidey’s into, and it’s really not weird enough. He’s always so…polite and considerate. Johnny wishes he would be a little more take-charge-y sometimes. It’s been a month and Spidey hasn’t tried to get into Johnny’s pants at all. What is up with that?! Johnny’s getting tired of waiting.

He gets up, deciding it’s past time to beat a hasty retreat. “Anyways, why don’t you just ask him about it, because I don’t know anything.”

“Now that is the first true thing you’ve said all morning!” Sue shouts after him as he races down the hallway. “Don’t think I don’t know that you’re full of it, little brother!”

Johnny knows she knows. But she doesn’t know that.

And she definitely can’t prove that was him kissing Spidey on that rooftop.

Johnny thinks it might be prudent to go hang out somewhere else for a while, until Sue forgets all about the picture.

He just hopes Benjy and Reed don’t hear about it, or Johnny will never hear the end of it.

* * *

“So there are pictures of us making out in a tabloid,” Johnny tells Spidey when they come up for air long enough to grab some hot dogs. They’re sitting on the ledge of a skyscraper, feet dangling out over thin air, the whole city glittering beneath them. It’s breathtaking.

Spidey said this was one of his favorite spots in the city, and Johnny can see why. He likes getting to know Spidey better, even if he still doesn’t really know anything about him.

He knows the shape of his lips, the taste of his mouth, the way he moans and shudders when Johnny does something particularly clever with his tongue, but he still doesn’t know Spidey’s name.

“Yeah?” Spidey says disinterestedly around a mouthful of food.

It’s really gross when he talks with his mouth full. Johnny hates it when he does that.

“Sue saw them,” Johnny says.

That catches Spidey’s interest. He stops mid-bite. “So does she know, then? Can we stop with the sneaking around?”

“Nah,” Johnny says, shaking his head. “I lied. She didn’t buy it, but she can’t prove anything.”

“Oh,” Spidey says. His shoulders sag with disappointment. “Okay, then.”

They eat in companionable silence for a while. Johnny’s busy thinking about whether he wants to—well, no, he’s decided.

He takes a sip of his coke and waits until Spidey’s got a nice big mouthful of hot dog. “So I was thinking we should have sex tonight,” he says casually, and snickers when Spidey chokes. He pounds on Spidey’s back a few times, just because he’s a good boyfriend.

“You did that on purpose,” Spidey wheezes. “I could have died, you jerk!”

Johnny doesn’t deny it. “Your funeral would’ve been really nice? I was serious about the sex, though. We’ve been dating a month. I’m surprised you haven’t made a move.”

“I wanted to,” Spidey says. “I thought you didn’t want to because you don’t know what I look like, or, like, my name.”

Johnny waves a hand. “Who even cares about that stuff?” he scoffs. “It’s not important. Please. I’m more worried about other stuff. Like how I’m going to sneak you into the Baxter Building under my family’s noses. Ben’s in the next room, so we’ll have to be quiet, but he snores so loud we’ll know when he’s awake in a minute. Sue’s more of a problem because she wakes up really easily and Franklin’s here, so she gets up to check on him all the time. Reed will probably be in his lab, so he won’t be an issue at all.”

“Or we could get a hotel room,” Spidey says. “And not worry about getting caught.”

Johnny considers it. It’s so practical. “Nah,” he says. “Where’s the fun in that?”

Spidey gives a long-suffering sigh. “Why do I even try? What about your garage? Is that risky enough for you?”

Now that definitely has some possibilities. “Maybe later,” he says. “I think we should stick to a bed for the first time, don’t you? It’s more romantic. Garages are sexy but not very romantic.”

“Garages are sexy?” Spidey says skeptically. “Why are garages—you know what, don’t answer that.”

“Cars are hot,” Johnny explains, undeterred. “We’re totally having sex in one later.” His eyes light up. “Or on one? That could be fun. Would under a car be fun? It’d probably be tough to manage, but we should try anyways.”

“You scare me,” Spidey deadpans. “What have I gotten myself into?”

“Totally awesome, hot sex?” Johnny frowns. Why is he asking this? “I don’t do boring, Web-Head.” He grins. “And now that we’re dating, neither do you.”

“I don’t do boring either,” Spidey huffs. “Johnny. Why do you even think—“

“You wasted an hour of my life complaining about your favorite hot dog stand changing corners,” Johnny says dryly. "And it literally just moved across the street."

Spidey throws up his hands in frustration. “It used to be in the perfect spot when I swung over from—“

Johnny stops him. He senses another rant coming on. One thing he’s learned from hanging out with Spidey these last few weeks is that he does not handle change well. He’d prefer it if everything stayed exactly the same, always. Johnny’s the complete opposite—he gets bored with the same old every day. He needs change. Craves it.

They kind of balance each other out, in a weird way.

“Nope,” Johnny warns. “Start that again and the sex is definitely off.”

That brings Spidey’s little rant screeching to a halt. He squints. “You’re going to start using this against me, aren’t you? I see how it is.”

“Yep,” Johnny says, grinning. “Definitely. As often as I can.”

* * *

The sex that night mostly goes off without a hitch. There’s one worrying moment where it sounds like Sue’s on her way to Franklin’s room, where Johnny and Spidey have to go very still at an inopportune moment so as to not be overheard, but mostly there are no interruptions.

It’s nice. It’s dark enough for Spidey to take his mask off without Johnny being able to make out his features in the dark, which means that Johnny gets to run his fingers through his hair for the first time. He likes it.

After it’s over, Johnny falls asleep curled around Spidey. He’s sure Spidey will be gone by the time he wakes up in the morning, and there’s a part of him that’s not happy about that.

He doesn't know if this is enough for him anymore, Spidey with the mask on. He's maybe getting to the point where he wants more. He'll have a talk about it with Spidey.

But later, Johnny thinks, as he nuzzles against Spidey's neck.

* * *

It probably would have been better if Spidey had left than what ended up happening the next morning.

Johnny awakens to a hand shaking his shoulder and mumbles something about being left alone before he registers that it’s Sue talking.

He jerks wide awake in seconds. Oh, shit. Did Spidey leave? Is he still here?

“…making waffles,” Sue’s saying, far too calmly to have realized Spidey’s around. He must be gone. “He wants to know if you want some.”

“Uh, yeah,” Johnny says distractedly. “Tell Ben to save me a stack.”

He’s busy looking around his bed frantically, and he’s relieved to find that it’s empty. Whew. Thank god. Spidey must’ve left in the night.

“Reed,” Sue repeats. “I said _Reed_ was trying to make waffles.”

“Oh,” Johnny says. He spots what is definitely Spidey’s glove lying on the floor behind Sue. Did Spidey forget his glove? Why would he leave without his glove? “Then, uh, maybe not.”

Reed tends to…experiment with food. He understands the chemistry behind it better than Johnny does, but man, oh, man, does he not get what makes something delicious.

Something red and cloth-like hits the ground next to the glove. It looks like…Spidey’s mask? Weird. Where the hell’d that come from? Johnny glances up, and his heart stops beating.

Stuck to the ceiling is a very naked, wide-eyed Peter Parker, arms full of the scattered bits of his Spidey suit. “Do something!” he mouths.

Peter Parker is Spider-Man?!! That. Is. It’s—Johnny has no idea how he feels about that—he’d never once entertained the possibility that Spidey was someone he already knew. And didn’t get along with, no less.

He feels…lied to. It’s not an emotion he enjoys.

“Johnny?” Sue says worriedly. She presses a hand to his forehead. “Sweetie, are you okay? You just went white as a sheet. Are you coming down with something?” She starts to turn to look at the point behind her shoulders upon which Johnny’s eyes are glued. “What are you looking—”

“No!” Johnny shouts. He jolts upright and grabs Sue by her biceps, and then hauls her back so she won’t see Spidey.

“Johnny, what the hell is wrong with you?!” Sue shouts, twisting her arms out of his grasp.

“I just—“ Johnny says, casting around for a suitable excuse. He plasters a forced smile onto his face. “I just remembered that I—I mean, it’s just—sis, I’m kind of naked under these sheets and I—“

“Oh, my god!” Sue shrieks. She claps both of her hands over her eyes. “What is _wrong_ with you?! Wear clothes in the house! At all times! How many times do I have to tell you that?! You aren't two anymore! This isn't cute!”

“I’m sorry!” Johnny says hastily. “I’ll wear ‘em from now on, promise, but, uh, maybe you should—you know, get out of here so I can put pants on.”

“Right,” Sue says. “Right. Good idea.” She stumbles towards the door, eyes still firmly shut behind her palms. “If I catch you without pants again, little brother, you’re cleaning the hangar out with a toothbrush! I mean it!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Johnny says. He has bigger things to worry about right now. Like his lying boyfriend.

Once the door clicks shut behind her, Spidey—no, _Parker_ —drops down to the floor lightly and stands there awkwardly, a jumble of clothes clasped in his arms. Johnny waits stubbornly for him to say something. Or apologize for the lies. That would be nice.

“So, um,” Parker says, squinting, “not too sure what to say. This isn’t how I was planning on telling you. I was—it was gonna be this whole thing? There were gonna be flowers? Maybe some cake. Definitely hot dogs.”

Johnny arches his eyebrow skeptically. “Hot dogs. Don’t overdo it with the romance there, Spidey. Or should I say ‘Parker’ instead?”

“Ah,” Parker says. “So you remember my name. But, uh, I’d prefer ‘Peter.’ Calling your boyfriend by his last name’s a little weird.”

“I haven’t decided yet if we are still boyfriends,” Johnny says coolly. “I was okay with you not telling me who you were because I thought I didn’t know you. I wasn’t expecting this.”

Parker frowns, frustrated. “Why does you knowing me make any difference?” he says. “I don’t get why it matters.”

Johnny collapses back against his pillow and stares up at the ceiling. Of course he doesn’t. Johnny doesn’t either. He just knows it does. “I don’t know,” he says, subdued. “I just can’t shake the feeling that you’ve been lying to me.” His brow furrows. “Why’d you wait so long to tell me, anyways?”

“Peter Parker and you haven’t exactly gotten along,” Parker says. “We never made up the way Spidey and you did. I just…didn’t know how you’d react. And things between us…they were good, weren’t they? I was afraid things would change once you found out.”

“Yeah,” Johnny says shortly. He can’t deny that they maybe have. They've been living in a little bubble of happiness and kisses for the last month. Johnny needs time to digest this. Figure out exactly how he feels about the fact that he’s been dating Peter Parker, who is also Spider-Man, for the past two months without knowing. “Maybe you should go. I need time to think about this.”

“You, thinking. I’d better call the press,” Parker deadpans.

Johnny’s eyes flash. “Not the time, Parker,” he snaps. “ _So_ not the time.”

“Right,” Parker says. He glances contritely down at his bundle of clothes and shakes his head. “Sorry. Just—force of habit. Nervous tick. Whatever you want to call it.” His eyes flick back up to Johnny. “But—can I say just one thing before I go?”

Johnny nods. He doesn’t see how it can hurt. Besides, he wants to know what Parker has to say for himself.

Parker’s mouth twists. “I just. I really like you. We have fun together. We could—we could be amazing together.”

“Fantastic,” Johnny replies automatically.

Parker rolls his eyes. They’re hazel. Warm. Nice. Johnny’s never noticed before. His interactions with Parker, have, admittedly been fleeting, and Parker was still, Johnny thinks, wearing a pair of horn-rimmed glasses the last time they met. And that terrible blue suit. If Parker still owns that, Johnny’s making him burn it. And buying him a whole new wardrobe.

“Yeah,” Parker concedes. “Fine. Fantastic.”

“Is that all?” Johnny says. He doesn’t know what he’s hoping Parker will say.

“Yeah,” he replies. “Unless you want to say something?”

“No, I don’t want to say anything,” Johnny says. “I’ll call you.”

“Right,” Parker says. “See you around, Torch.”

For the first time since they’ve met, Johnny’s not sure how he feels about the prospect of seeing Parker—Spidey— _whoever_ —again.

* * *

Johnny’s listless and unhappy the next few days. Lies around on the couch and stares at the ceiling for hours, his earphones tucked into his ears as though he’s listening to music, but there’s nothing playing.

He can’t figure out how to feel about Spidey.

Everyone notices, and, for once, they decide to be tactful.

Reed finally gets around to designing that new HD television for Johnny, Ben doesn’t play any pranks, and Sue—Sue drags Johnny to the mall on a shopping spree.

Buying twelve new pairs of shoes, as well as twenty-seven new flame-covered designer clothes and assorted accessories, really does make Johnny feel better.

* * *

“So are you finally going to tell me what’s going on with you?” Sue asks.

Johnny and Sue are adrift in a sea of colorful shopping bags. The owners of this little upscale ice cream shop do not seem very pleased that fact.

There's a crowd that's gathered outside of the window of the shop, people taking pictures of him and Sue as they eat and talk. Johnny's used to it. 

Sue’s been leaning back on her side of the booth, arms crossed, biding her time and watching silently as Johnny mopily works his way through three hot fudge sundaes.

“No,” Johnny says listlessly. “I’m fine, sis.” He sighs. “Totally fine. Nothing’s the matter with me.”

“Uh-huh,” Sue says. She tugs a napkin out of the napkin holder and wipes away a spot of hot fudge from Johnny’s cheek. Johnny grumbles about it but lets her. “Sure you are, Eeyore.”

Johnny lets his long silver spoon fall with a thunk into his glass and sighs. “It’s just—has Reed ever lied to you about anything?”

“Do you want me to go by order of severity or chronology?” Sue asks flatly.

Oh. Right. Johnny forgot who he was talking to for a second. “How’d you forgive him? Or, I dunno, why?”

“Well, it’s not easy, bro,” Sue says. “It takes time, and a lot of work, and communication, that is key. If you’re having a problem with Sp—uh, _someone_ you have to talk to him— _them_ —about how you feel.”

“Right,” Johnny says. Talking. He and Spidey—uh, _Parker_ have always been good at that. Well. Maybe not when it comes to the things that really matter. “This totally isn’t about Spidey at all. Don’t get any wrong ideas.”

“Uh-huh,” Sue says dryly. She’s too smart to believe him, and Johnny knows it. “You’re a terrible liar. Finish your sundae, sweetheart. But that's your last one. I don't want to have to sit up with you all night because your stomach's hurting.”

Johnny rolls his eyes. "C'mon, sis," he complains, "I'm twenty, not _five_. You don't have to mother me anymore."

"Uh-huh," Sue says. "Sure I don't."

Johnny does, however, finish his sundae as she ordered. He was going to anyways. 

* * *

Johnny arranges to meet Spidey— _Parker_ —Johnny’s having a hard time getting used to thinking of them as one and the same—the next night, on top of the Statue of Liberty.

He texts him—Parker’s number, not the burner phone number Spidey gave him—because now he can. He still has Parker’s number programmed into his phone from way back when, that time he hired him to follow him around and take pictures. Well. That explains why Spidey kept showing up every five minutes.

Whatever happens, things between them will certainly be very different from now on.

Parker’s got a whole life that Johnny knows next to nothing about. He has a sweet old aunt—Johnny remembers her—who lives in a dinky little house over in Queens. What happened to his parents?

He goes to ESU—but what does he study? Something science-y, Johnny’d bet good money on. Who are his friends? How will they feel about him dating a superhero? How are he and Johnny going to explain how they met, how they started dating?

This mystery girl Parker broke up with—what happened to her? Is she coming back? What’ll happen if she does? Will Parker dump him for her? Does he still have feelings for her?

Spidey just suddenly, overnight, turned into a real person with real problems that Johnny’s going to have to get to know and deal with and—and that’s it, isn’t it? That’s what’s bothering him. That’s why Johnny’s been so upset.

When he found out who Spidey really was, it hit Johnny in a way it hadn’t before—he doesn’t actually know Spidey at all. Well, maybe—maybe—he knows Spidey through and through, but Peter Parker? Johnny knows next to nothing about him.

And that bothers Johnny. They’re boyfriends now. Johnny should know even just the basics. Like—what’s his middle name? Probably starts with a ‘P,’ Johnny’s guessing.

He goes on the internet and googles Parker. Finds his instagram—lots of tasteful, artsy pictures, but interspersed there are some of him with a gorgeous redhead who always seems to be smiling like she’s having the time of her life, a blonde girl who looks a little nerdy but pretty, a cute brown-haired guy who is in a lot of pictures, and a handsome, square-jawed blond soldier guy who looks great in uniform.

That’s right. Johnny met them once. That blond guy—he’s a real jerk. Put laxatives in Johnny’s coffee for daring to one-up Spidey during their bet.

Huh. Johnny wonders how many of them Parker’s dated. They all look awfully chummy. Johnny would’ve dated all of them by now.

Which one of them is Parker’s mystery girl? The one who broke his heart? Johnny's betting on the blonde.

Johnny’s antsy all the next day. Can’t sit still. He reorganizes his closet, cleans out the hangar, leaves a few surprises for Ben in his room, and can’t keep himself from checking the clock every two seconds.

By the time seven o’clock rolls around, Johnny’s practically crawling out of his skin with nerves.

It’s a relief to finally fly out to the usual place, land lightly on her crown, and wait for his errant boyfriend.

Parker, of course, shows up an hour late, and Johnny’s just about ready to strangle him.

“Are you seriously late to this?” Johnny snaps when Parker finally drops down next to Johnny and tugs off his mask.

“Rhino attacked!” Parker protests. “What was I supposed to do, say, ‘Sorry, guys, can’t save you because my boyfriend wants to talk!’ I don’t turn my back on people when they’re in trouble, Johnny.”

“See?” Johnny says, shaking a finger at Peter. “That’s it! Right there! That’s exactly the problem! Why don’t you do that anymore? You know everything about me—even my middle names, and no one knows that—and I don’t know anything about you!”

“Oh,” Parker says, relieved. “Thank god. Is that all that’s bothering you? Johnny, we can fix that.”

“Yeah?” Johnny says.

“Yes,” Parker tells him. “Anything. Ask me anything.”

* * *

Everything comes pouring out then. Peter’s whole life. His spy parents, dead and gone so long ago he can hardly remember their faces—and Johnny, in return, tells him of his mother’s death in a fiery car crash, and how that’s shaped so much of who he is. The aunt and uncle who took him in, their kindness and devotion, his uncle’s death at the hands of a man Peter could have stopped—Johnny tells him of how he watched his father die at the hands of the Super-Skrull, the nightmares he has even now. And so on, and so on.

Johnny tells him things Johnny thinks he’s never really shared with anyone, but Peter gets it, gets all of it, instinctually, the way he always does.

They spend all night talking and talking, and by the time they’re done, Johnny feels as though he’s beginning to get to know Peter. Really know him. He feels closer to him than ever and it’s—it’s perfect.

While they’re both elated by their newfound closeness—Peter likes being able to talk to Johnny about everything he’s never been able to tell anyone—they reach a point where neither of them is fully able to keep their eyes open.

Peter suggests going back to his apartment, and Johnny agrees, both out of exhaustion and curiosity. They sneak in through one of his tall windows—even though he warns that they have to be quiet because his roommate, Harry, is a notoriously light sleeper—and Johnny falls asleep almost instantly, curled up in Peter’s arms, in Peter’s bed.

It’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to him.

* * *

If things between them were good before the unmasking, they are absolutely fantastic afterward.

They still go on the same kinds of dates—although they draw far less attention now that neither of them are dressed like superheroes, and Peter’s not in that terrible bulky coat he used to wear whenever they were, as he’d put it, out on the town while ‘incognito’—but now the dates have a habit of ending with the two of them falling into bed together, and, oh, it’s wonderful.

The sex is just…so great.

Peter’s so great. Johnny loves the way his eyes light up when he cracks up at his own terrible jokes, loves lying around in Peter’s bed all day, eating junk food and making fun of Peter’s complete ignorance of everything related to pop culture, loves running his fingers through Peter’s hair, loves the way it starts to curl, ever so slightly, when it’s wet—oh, god.

Johnny is falling for Peter. Hard.

All of this means that he’s going to have to tell his family about their relationship.

He keeps putting it off. They already know anyways, and it’s fun lying to their faces.

Especially when they get caught.

* * *

Johnny hauls Peter into a coat closet in the Baxter Building to make out one day, when they are rudely interrupted. The door wrenches open, which is followed by silence.

Johnny unsticks his mouth from Peter’s—who, thank god, was smart enough to keep his mask mostly on—and turns to find a deeply horrified Reed standing there.

“Hey,” Johnny says, still plastered against Peter. “I was just giving Spidey here the grand tour.”

“Ah,” Reed says, scraping his jaw off the floor. He nods. “And that includes the inside of your mouth, I suppose?”

“Well,” Johnny shrugs. “I like to be thorough.”

Peter snickers.

Reed looks up at the ceiling and sighs. “Caltraxis 7,” he says, and slams the door shut in their faces.

Johnny and Peter lock eyes, and then break down into a fit of laughter.

“Oh, man,” Johnny says, dying of laughter. “Did you see his face?”

“Priceless!” Peter says, clutching at his sides. “Oh, man.” He frowns. “But, um, so, uh, what’d—what’d Caltraxis 7 mean?”

“Oh,” Johnny says. He has to think about that for a second before it hits him. “Oh, right! It’s that planet we were on. The one where—“ He starts to snicker as he remembers. “Oh, man. I think that’s the one where everyone sings all the time! Like, uh, like a musical.”

“Johnny,” Peter says, and now he’s not laughing anymore. “Why’d he say that?”

“Because he’s threatening to send you there,” Johnny says, like it’s obvious. “Maybe me too, who knows.”

“Singing? A whole planet where everyone sings all the time?! Johnny, Johnny, no. You have to—tell him not to send us there.”

“That’ll just encourage him,” Johnny says dismissively. “Better not to do anything. Pretend we don’t care.”

“But we do—Johnny, I do care. I don’t want to be stuck on a singing—“

“Oh, stop worrying,” Johnny says. “He probably won’t send us there.”

“Probably,” Peter says. “Again with the probably. It’s not comforting.”

“It’s Reed,” Johnny shrugs, unconcerned. “He’s the nicest guy you’ve ever met, but don’t piss him off.”

“We just pissed him off! I was—he caught me kissing his kid brother!”

“Babe,” Johnny says with an irritated roll of his eyes. “Relax! It’s fine! Besides, if it isn’t, there’s nothing we can do about it. But…you might want to brush up on your singing.”

“I. Do. Not. Sing,” Peter snaps. “I refuse to sing.”

“That attitude’s not going to get you anywhere on Caltraxis, lemme tell you. Even Benjy gave in and sang a few bars. He was terrible. It was hilarious.”

Peter presses a hand to his face and breathes. “I’m starting to regret dating you again,” he tells Johnny.

“I can fix that,” Johnny says, and kisses Peter again.

* * *

“Aw, jeez,” Ben complains one day when they take Peter with them on a trip to the Microzone. “You’re holdin’ hands in front of us now? And you two idiots still won’t admit you’re dating?”

“I’m not holding his hand,” Johnny sniffs. He tosses his legs over Peter’s, holding Benjy’s gaze as though daring him to say anything about it. “I’m just keeping it warm for him. It’s cold in space, you know. I’m just being a good friend.”

“Yeah,” Peter says. He holds out his other hand to Johnny. “He’s just being a good friend. Warm the other one up for me too, would you, buddy?”

“Of course, Spidey,” Johnny says magnanimously, as he takes it and puts it in his lap with Peter’s other hand. “That’s what friends are for.”

Ben doesn’t speak to them again the rest of the trip. Which lasts three days, so it’s quite a feat.

* * *

Sue’s started slamming her head against her desk repeatedly, and Johnny’s not sure why.

“Sis?” he says. “Are you okay?”

“Should we stop her?” Peter asks worriedly. “I feel like we should maybe stop her.”

“No,” Sue says. She stops by herself and thrusts her hands into her hair. “I’m fine. I just. Give me a minute, okay?”

“…Okay,” Johnny says. He truly doesn’t know what’s going on. “Did someone die or something?”

Sue holds up a finger. Johnny’s mouth snaps shut.

The three of them stand in what is one of the most awkward silences of Johnny’s life, and he’s had his clothes burn off in public repeatedly.

“Sweetie,” Sue says through gritted teeth at long, long, long last. She presses her hands together. “Do you think maybe you and Spider-Man, who is definitely not your boyfriend, should go swap shirts before we leave for the charity ball?”

Why would they need to—? Johnny looks down. “Whoops,” he says. He’s wearing the top of Peter’s uniform. That means—yep. Peter’s wearing his. “Hey. You look hot in that.”

“I do, don’t I?” Peter says. He preens. “I always wanted to be in the Fantastic Four.”

“Well,” Johnny says, because he can’t resist even though Sue is right there, “you were in one of them last ni—“

“Oh, come on!” Sue hollers. “When are you guys finally going to admit you’re dating?!”

“Whaaaaaat?” Peter says, crossing his arms over the front of Johnny’s FF uniform top. Johnny wonders if his biceps look that good in that uniform. Probably better. “Us? Dating? Don’t be ridiculous. Why on earth would you even think that?”

“Yeah, sis, I mean, really,” Johnny says, shaking his head at her disapprovingly. “As if I would ever date Spidey.”

“You’re wearing _his_ —he’s wearing _your_ —“ Sue splutters.

“We were, uh,” Peter says, “on the roof! Yeah. Tanning. And, uh, we must’ve grabbed the wrong shirts.”

That was a lie. They’d been in the back of that broom closet next to Reed’s lab again, making out. And doing other things too, but Sue doesn’t need to hear about any of that.

“It’s _snowing_ ,” Sue hisses, pointing at the window, on the other side of which there is most certainly quite a lot of snow. Huh. Johnny's been so caught up in Peter he hadn't even noticed. “Has been all day. You expect me to believe that you were tanning on the roof in the middle of a snowstorm?”

Peter shrugs. “Johnny kept me warm.”

“Oh, I’ll just bet he did,” Sue says. “So when Johnny disappears for days, he’s not with you?”

“What?” Peter scoffs. “No, I mean, of course not. What would I even do with him for days? We get bored of each other after, like, an hour.”

Johnny hasn’t left Peter’s side for the last week. Well, to be more accurate, he hasn’t left his bed. Neither of them has been, at any point, bored.

Sue’s eyes narrow dangerously. “And those hickeys Johnny has on his neck all the time that he thinks we don’t notice?”

“Rashes,” Johnny says, rubbing at his neck where he currently has exactly five hickeys—two new, three old and nearly faded. He’s glad Sue can’t see how many he has under his uniform. “I’ve been meaning to have Reed take a look at them.”

“The limping?” Sue presses.

“I twisted my ankle,” Johnny lies.

“Every other week?”

“A lot,” Johnny says. “So sue me, I’m clumsy.”

“You are not. You took ballet classes when you were a kid.”

“You did what?!” Peter says, delighted, and looking to Johnny for confirmation. “Really?”

“Yes,” Johnny shrugs. He’s not embarrassed by it at all. “It’s why I’m so bendy. I can do the splits, you know.”

“Yeah,” Peter says, smiling fondly as he’s distracted by certain risqué memories. “I know.”

“Gah!” Sue shrieks, covering her ears with her hands. “I did not need to hear any of this! What is _wrong_ with you two?”

“No!” Peter tells her hastily. “I mean, we were, uh, dancing. It wasn’t, uh, we weren’t having—”

“No!” Sue bellows. Her face is turning a splotchy shade of red. “Do _not_ finish that sentence, or I _will_ kill you.” She sits down heavily and covers her face with her hands. “Just go,” she says wearily. “Both of you. Out of my sight. I have a headache now. I hope you’re happy.”

Johnny and Peter race out of the room. They actually manage to make it to the hallway before they begin to laugh.

“Tanning?” Johnny titters. “Tanning?”

Peter shrugs. “I didn’t see you coming up with any better excuses.”

“Yeah, but you’re really bad at it, babe,” Johnny snickers. “Oh, man. That’s your worst one yet.”

“She bought it, didn’t she?” Peter sniffs.

“No, babe, she didn’t! She obviously did not!”

Peter rolls his eyes. “Johnny,” he says, “this is getting really ridiculous. They all know we’re dating. We know they know. Don’t you think it’s about time we told them the truth?”

“No way!” Johnny says. “I’m having way too much fun with this. I don’t get to torture them about things very often, you know. It usually goes in the other direction. And they made a lot of fun of me when they thought I was dating you! And Reed and Sue have been lying to me about the thing they've got going on with Benjy for years! Shoe’s on the other foot now, and I am going to milk it as much as I can.”

"What thing with Ben?" Peter asks. 

"They're all—Pete. Babe. You haven't noticed? He sneaks into their bedroom when they think I won't notice. They go on romantic vacations together. He's their...boyfriend or life partner or something. So. They lie to me, I lie to them."

"They're—all _three_ of them?" Peter asks, scandalized, because of course he is. Inside of that smoking hot body lies the mind of a forty-year-old man. Sigh. Thank god for that body. 

"Oh, grow up," Johnny tells him. "It's the twenty-first century. It's not weird at all. I'm not mad about that, I'm mad about the fact that they've been lying to me for, like, years."

“So you're using me to get back at them?"

"No!" Johnny says. "It's not like that. I mean. I'd be dating you either way, but if I can piss them off, why shouldn't I? I'll tell them when they tell me."

* * *

The next week, Johnny and Peter are curled up on a couch together in the Baxter Building when Reed and Ben walk past them.

There's something off about it, but Johnny can't pinpoint why...at first.

"Son of a bitch," he says, jerking upright when he realizes. "Those bastards were holding _hands_."

Peter stares at him blankly. "And we care why?"

That is _not_ the reaction Johnny had hoped for. "Don't you see what they're _doing_?" he hisses.

Peter gives a long-suffering sigh. "No," he says. "I really—babe, I do not."

"They are trying to  _beat us at our own game,_ " Johnny hisses. "Babe. Honey. We can't let them get away with this. Come on. We'll go follow them and you can slap my ass in front of them. I don't think we've done that one yet."

"Oh, god," Peter groans, head thunking against the back of the sofa. "I don't think we should hang out at your place anymore. It just—your family is way too complicated. You get—I love you, but you get—"

Johnny's eyes widen. "You _what_?" he says. "Pete. Did you really just say you love me for the first time—"

"Yeah," Peter smiles. "Guess I did."

"—while insulting me and my family?" Johnny finishes.

Peter winces. "Ah. Yeah. I can see where I went wrong."

"I thought so," Johnny says, schooling his features into a perfect glare. "Make it up to me by slapping my ass in front of Reed and Ben?"

"We _definitely_ shouldn't hang out here anymore," Peter sighs. "But fine. Lead the way."

* * *

Full-scale warfare erupts between Johnny and the rest of the FF after that, with poor Peter caught in the middle. Johnny feels kind of bad about that if he's being honest.

Ben stops hiding the fact that he sleeps in Reed and Sue's bed every night, and Johnny retaliates by making it very clear that Peter's been sleeping in his.

If Johnny holds Peter's hand in front of his family, Ben'll respond by holding Reed or Sue's. Johnny's never seen anyone aggressively hold a hand before, but Benjy somehow manages it.

If Johnny lets them catch him cuddling on the couch with Peter, they'll make sure he 'accidentally' catches all three of them snuggling under a blanket or something.

"We were just cold," they'll smile innocently, while Johnny fumes.

If Johnny makes Peter slap his ass in front of everyone, Ben'll slap Reed's, who mostly seems annoyed by it, but doesn't complain. He never tries to slap Sue's. 

Johnny starts calling Peter 'babe' around Reed, Sue, and Ben, and they start calling each other every sickly pet name they can think of. Peter nearly dies of laughter when he hears Reed Richards being called "sweet lips" by an overly flirtatious Ben. 

The day Reed finally catches them making out in the closet by his lab again is the day everything comes to a head.

Johnny and Peter get summoned to Reed's lab ten minutes later, and when they walk in, Reed is definitely kissing Ben. 

"I knew it!" Johnny hollers. "Also, gross because you're both super old, but I _knew_ it! Spidey, didn't I know it?"

"He did," Peter sighs from behind the hand he has pressed to his face. "I just don't understand why _I_ had to be here for this. Oh, man. I wonder if there's anything that'll ever wipe that image off of my eyeballs."

"We weren't doing anything," Reed says, untangling himself from Ben, who he has wrapped most of his body around. That is more about their sex life than Johnny wanted to know. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"You two were making out!" Johnny shouts. "Because you're dating, and you've been dating for years, and for some reason, you haven't told _me_ about it!"

There's more hurt in his voice than he'd meant to let show.

Reed's staring at Johnny fixedly as though he's just realizing something for the first time. "You're genuinely upset that we haven't told you, aren't you, John? We all thought this was just a--a meaningless game you were playing."

"No, it's not a game," Johnny says. He clenches his hands to stop their shaking from being too apparent. "Why haven't you guys ever told me?"

Sue appears out of thin air, right next to Ben. Johnny'd pretend to be surprised, but he knew she was around somewhere. She wouldn't miss this. "Johnny," she says softly. "Sweetheart. We're so sorry. We didn't realize--"

"What? That I was upset that the three people I love the most were keeping secrets from me about an important part of their life, and had been for years? That you all don't trust me enough to tell me? No, I mean, who would care about that?" Johnny says bitterly.

"So that's why you wouldn't tell us about you and Spidey," Sue says guiltily. "It was your way of getting back at us. I thought you were just being a brat."

Johnny shrugs. "Well, annoying you guys was a perk. I won't lie."

"Sweetheart," Sue says. "If you were so upset by this, you should have just said something."

"The point was that I wanted you guys to trust me," Johnny says. "Why didn't you?"

"Well," Reed says, "at first you were just very young, and then..." He glances searchingly at Sue.

"Well," Sue steps in. "You just...have a tendency to, uh, how do I put this--"

"Ya blab all over the internet about everything, kid," Ben cuts in, with his characteristic bluntness. 

Reed and Sue turn to look at Ben disapprovingly. 

"What?" Ben says. "We was all thinking it!"

"I can keep secrets!" Johnny protests. "No one knows about me and Spidey!"

"Johnny," Peter says. "It's been in the tabloids. And you've been putting pictures of us hanging out on your Instagram. And Twitter. Everyone knows."

Okay, so fine. Johnny's not the best at secrets. "I can keep _your_ secrets," he says. "I'll keep this one."

"All right," Sue says. "Here goes: Johnny, honey, Reed and I are dating Ben. We have been for a few years now. He's our...life partner, I guess you could call him. It's definitely serious and it's not going away anytime soon."

"No shit," Johnny snaps. "I figured that out ages ago."

"Mouth," Sue warns. "Watch it, mister, or you'll be hanging in midair in a forcefield in no time."

Johnny mutters something under his breath. 

"Now don't you have something you want to tell us, sweetie?" Sue prompts. "Or are you just going to keep sulking?"

Johnny makes a show of rolling his eyes. "I'm dating Spidey," he says surlily. "We're totally in love and we're probably going to end up getting married and having lots of babies." He turns to Peter. "I want at least four. Probably six. Make that seven."

"But later," Peter tells Reed, Ben, and Sue hurriedly. "Not yet. I'd really like to graduate from college before I have kids. Get an actual job." He makes a face. "Don't send me to space, please, Dr. Richards, sir?"

"We're not sending you to space," Reed says grumpily. "Now that _was_ just a joke."

"Good idea," Ben tells Reed conspiratorially under his breath. "Just in case anyone from SHIELD's listening." Then, more loudly to the ceiling, "Yeah, we ain't gonna send you to space on purpose if you piss us off, Web-Head! If it happens, it was an accident!" 

"Sometimes I wonder how I let myself get sucked into all of this," Peter complains.

"My baby brother's a charmer," Sue says. "He always has been. You should have seen him when he was a baby with the big eyes and the chubby cheeks--he really got away with everything."

"I did not," Johnny says. "You sent me to my room loads of times."

"Wish I could still send you to your room when you misbehave," Sue sighs.

"If you did, I'd just call Spidey," Johnny sniffs. "And we'd have lots of sex. It would totally backfire." He puts his arm around Peter's shoulders. "Come on, Spidey. Let's go write an official 'We're dating!' announcement for my Snapchat."

"Johnny," Peter says, as Johnny leads him away, "I don't even know what a Snapchat _is_."

"Why am I dating you?" Johnny sighs, shaking his head disapprovingly. "Just why?"

He gets the feeling he's going to be asking himself that question a lot from now on.

**Author's Note:**

> Reed and Ben occasionally meddling in Johnny's love life in order to give him a hard time is canon -- it happens in Fantastic Four #514.
> 
> I took Ben singing "The K-I-S-S-I-N-G Song" to annoy Johnny from Marvel Adventures: Fantastic Four #3.
> 
> Peter goes on a date with Sue in Untold Tales of Spider-Man Annual 1996.
> 
> He trades places with Johnny and ruins Reed's experiment in Spider-Man/Human Torch #2.
> 
> You can find my tumblr [here](http://titanstogetherr.tumblr.com/).


End file.
